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Choosing Up

A slam poetry based on Luke 7:36-50 The Voice (VOICE) 

Terminology to help you out:

  • Choosing up: Going with a new pimp
  • In the life/in the game: being commercially sexually exploited
  • Pimp: Someone who has the control of a human to use them for profit by selling them to others for sex
  • Square: Anyone not in the life/in the game
  • Out of Pocket: Doing something that is not allowed in the life, disobeying your pimp
  • L7: Another way to say square, or close to being square
  • Renegade: Someone who prostitutes their body and is not under the control of a pimp
  • Trick/john: someone that purchases another human for sex

 
He was there
on a perfectly planned square night
L7 all around
In the accustomed to them way
So foreign to me
Laying on their bellies
Arms propping up their chests
Reclining forward
at the low table
His feet
the first my eyes spotted
the closest access I had
to Him
I still can’t believe I’m here
doing this
It feels reckless
But then it always feels reckless
Reckless is familiar
Not comfortable
Familiar
So hoe I go, crashing the square party
Tonight I am so done
It’s do or die
I’m out of options
Options
As if they ever existed
For me
or so it seems
Uninvited
I walk in
All eyes are on me
the town b%$#
Some I recognize
So soon as our eyes connect they quickly look away
guilt
shame
blood running to cheeks they are
to see me here
playing their square game
I wonder inside
Are they shaking now
the way they have so often made me shake
So much in me hopes so
But that is not why I am here
Barging in
Uninvited
Not this time
I walk
I make my way
Hurdling over the reclined
At the square table
I make my way
To him
And it’s instant
I’m choosing this
I’m choosing Him
Unfamiliar
Different
Change
Throat swells
Tightening
I can’ speak
There is a lump cutting off my airway
Felt this before
The squeeze of evil hands
Tightening of rope fibers around my neck
There’s none of that now just the feeling
What is constricting me?
Yet I walk
Unhesitating steps
Eyes focused
Clinging tight to my jar in hand
This jar
Represents
So much
The one thing that has kept me alive
To this point
A friend gift
The only friend
He never cheated me
Sold me
Exploited me
Used me
Friend gift
Treasure
And yet it is the very object
The very thing I fill to entice
Tricks
Dates
Johns
My perfume
In my treasured friend gift
The intoxicating aroma
Arouses
Guides the paper to my hand
Seal the deal
Roll it through
From him to me to him
Different scents have filled
Have aroused
Different aromas
Just like me
Different names
Different ages
Different characters
On point every time
Best actress I know
Am I
Who Am I?
Who?
Even?
Am I?
True me blurry
Buried
Dead sometimes it seems
With still a heartbeat
With still a plastered on smile
To allow you to be OK with me
Cover up
So my pain doesn’t destroy me
So I don’t see my pain written on your face
Because then I too might see it
Feel it
Numb
Strong
Survive
Don’t cry
It’s what I know
Familiar
I arrive reckless me
In the middle of square
At his feet
Throat constricted
Lump bulging
And instantly
I fall
To my knees
The lump
Immediately
Loosens
So quickly
Release
And there is born
Unfamiliar
Tears
Oh God I feel weak
He won’t choose a weak willed B#$$%
I try so hard to stop
The harder I try the worse it becomes
Like a dam broke
It damn broke
I am hear with my enemy tears
That wants to have me
And have me they do right here
In my reckless decision
To choose up with Him
And instinctively I begin
To do what I know
What I am programmed to do
What used to be a fight is not robotic
Routine
Familiar
Entice
I am enticing him
Kissing
His feet
Hopefully faster than my tears are falling
I hate kissing
Affection
Cheap pretend
That leads to the same empty dream
Every damn time
Countless times
And yet I kiss
On his feet
And I begin to wipe
Weak tears falling
Off with my hair
My hair
My other enticing tool
How many have touched it
For their gain
Combed through it with selfish hands
Brushed it off my face
To view slit skin
Purple bruises
Now it’s here
Like a linen cloth
To get rid of my flowing tears
Yet here I kneel
Crying
Wiping
Kissing
Then it clicks
In my head I have one more item
One more enticement
The
Eyes
Staring
Glaring Piercing
I can feel
Heavy looks
Though I don’t dare look up
Trained
So well
To never look up
My hand identifies
The jar
I pick it up and dump every drop
On his feet
I am so out of pocket
Crazy
Scandalous
Yet
Remaining here
Crying
Wiping
Kissing
Dumping oil
The aroma overtakes the room
Fills the room
And gains the attention of everyone
The scent takes my brain to the place
Where I recall how much it took
How many dates
Tricks
Johns
Penetrations
It took to obtain this now spilled out liquid
Filing through my mind like a film
Of someone’s life
Other than mine
Then I recall why
I purchased the perfume
Someone saw
Me
Someone told
Me
I could choose
Up
Out of the game
Out of the life
No square life
No fake L7
Something real
New
Fresh
Something I had nearly given up on
Someone told
Me
About Him
The aroma in the room over takes my memory and I am back in the present
Square party host opens his hot ego mouth
Says something about this daddy being a fraud
Saying if He knew who was touching Him He would have never let me near
Much less touch
Or Kiss
Him
Oh god
I knew it
Too good to be true
Fairy-tale hope
Nightmare ending
That how it goes down
Every time
For me
Why?
How?
Could I be so stupid?
I trusted the messenger
Who told me to come tonight?
Another fool choice
Did I make…
I am frozen
And I want to run
Mind battling
Shame
Guilt
Embarrassment
Weakness
Humility
He speaks
Not to me
But to square host
And says
“Simon, I want to tell you a story”
Story?
Who has time for an f-ing story?
Yet
My ears anxiously anticipate
“Two men owe a certain amount of money”
Oh god here we go
In front of all the squares
The choosing fee
NO!
I just dumped the choosing fee
On Him!
And all that’s left is the scent of it
Filling up the party
I have nothing else
This is my end
Here tonight
Tricks laughing
daddy owning
Hoe guilty and ashamed
Yet He keeps talking
Continues the story
“One owed 100 weeks wages the other owed 10 weeks wages, both defaulted on their loan, yet the lender forgave them both”
What the?
Forgave?
Them…Both?
He speaks
“Here is a question for you. Which one will love the lender more?”
Ego square Simon answers
“I guess the one who had the larger debt.”
And then He moves
Jesus moves
And looks
At me
Or at least I can feel Him looking
At me
Eyes still down
Still locked
In fear
Shame
Guilt
Yet I have to
I must see Him
And my head edges up ever so slightly
Just enough to see his eyes
Oh His eyes
God his eyes
God’s eyes
Frightening as it was
Stilled the rage in me
Filled with wonder
They are staring into all I am
I am
Staring
Into all
I am
Intrigued I become
As they fix on my entire being
In the most unfamiliar of ways
Love
Hope
Worth
Value
Treasure
Capable
Protection
Kind eyes
Dancing through me
Where I expected abuse
Silence
A tide turning moment
Eyes on me He speaks to Simon
The square party host
And says the line I will never forget
“Do you see this woman?”
He

Just

Called

Me

Woman

He has it all wrong

Its

Bitch

Hoe

Slut

Prostitute

Eye candy

Body parts for profit

Property

Moneymaker

Not woman

Or could it be?

He continues

“Do you see this woman here? It’s kind of funny I entered you home, and you didn’t provide a basin of water for me to wash the road dust off my feet. You did not give me a customary kiss of greeting and welcome. You didn’t offer me the common courtesy of providing oil to brighten my face. But this woman…”

There it is again

Woman

Heart captured

“But this woman has wet my feet with her tears, and washed them with her hair. She has not stopped kissing my feet since I came in. And she applied perfumed oil to my feet. This woman has been forgiven much.”

A third time woman

Laced with forgiven

It’s now as if he is the one pouring healing oil

Down into my dead places

Speechless

“I tell you Simon, her sins; her sorrows are so many-they have ALL been forgiven-

She loves much

But a person, who is forgiven little, loves little.”

I’m trying to take it all in

The fact that Jesus

Just used me

The town eye candy

The town Saturday night satisfaction

The small town toss around

As an example of love

Forgiveness

And he keeps going

His eyes still laser focused on me, unaware to the crowd all around

“You’re forgiven”

Leaping

My heart is leaping

Like it found a rhythm that had long ago been lost

I am alive maybe for the first time

There is a rushing inside

Like a river flowing out

The grime

Darkness

Fear

Wounds

Doubts

Lies

I chose up tonight

He cancelled my choosing fee

Unfamiliar feels good for the first time

Now I am not the only one astonished

L7 party turned forgiveness session

The rest are also

Astonished

And asking

“who is this man that goes around forgiving sins?”

He speaks

“Your faith has healed you, freed you; liberated you, go in peace.”

That glimmer of believing in something I could not see

Faith

Led me here tonight

To choose up

For the last time

I choose the one

Who chose me first

He freed me

Gave me life

Whole

Pure

Forgiven

I am chosen

In a right way

Chosen for peace

To go

GO

I am free

I am forgiven

I am chosen

And so I go

Not as a renegade

Not alone

Working

Not without an identity

Not nameless

And YES with a daddy

Identifiable to someone

Good

Right

Honest

True

The God of all creation

Savior

Rescue

Heavenly Father

That promises not to leave

Or

Forsake

And says to GO

Be free

In His peace

And I will recruit

Those who also have debts

And Lord knows we all have debts

Unpayable

That need to be forgiven

I will go in Peace

To those who need a barge in experience

With Jesus

That allows everything to change

That so desperately needs change

To be chosen

To belong

In FREEDOM

And to GO

Joy Fopma

About Joy Fopma

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